🌧️ 南方孩子的童年：Moonshine、被打、用浴室熱水泡 grits──我前夫 Philip 的真實故事
很多人以為，在美國長大的小孩，生活一定比我們在亞洲長大的孩子輕鬆、富裕、被疼愛。直到我聽到前夫 Philip 講他的童年，我才發現：有些南方孩子長大的方式，其實比我們想像中還要辛苦很多。
🌙 1. Moonshine 不是浪漫，是酗酒與失控的開始
Philip 跟我說過，他爸爸以前會做 Moonshine──那種在美國南方很有名的「自釀烈酒」。在外人看來，Moonshine 好像有一點傳統、有一點傳奇色彩，可是對他來說，那不是什麼「有趣的家族故事」，而是酗酒與暴力的開端。
他爸爸會喝得很兇，喝到斷片，喝到控制不了自己的情緒。喝醉之後，最直接承受的人，就是還是小孩的他和哥哥。
👊 2. 父母離婚，週末去爸爸家＝挨打的週末
Philip 的父母離婚之後，法律與習慣安排他和哥哥每個週末要去爸爸家「過週末」。聽起來好像是陪伴父親的親子時間，實際上卻是每個禮拜固定上演的惡夢。
他形容給我聽：
- 爸爸常常已經喝醉，或者正在喝
- 喝到一個程度以後，就會開始對他和哥哥發脾氣
- 有時候是罵人，有時候是真正動手打
- 沒有理由、沒有教育意義，就是醉了、失控了
對一個小孩來說，「週末去爸爸家」不是期待，而是準備好再被傷害一次。
🍽️ 3. 沒有食物、沒有熱水，兩個小孩想辦法活下來
在那個房子裡，不只是安全感很少，連最基本的生活也很不穩定。
Philip 說，很多時候：
- 家裡幾乎沒有可以吃的東西
- 沒有能好好煮食物的設備
- 沒有熱水可以用來做飯
唯一比較穩定的「熱源」，反而是浴室裡接到熱水器的水龍頭。
於是，他和哥哥就發明了一種「求生吃法」：
- 打開浴缸的熱水龍頭（接的是熱水器出來的熱水）
- 用杯子或碗去接一點熱水
- 把這些熱水倒進即食 grits 裡（南方常見的玉米粥粉）
- 攪一攪，當成那一餐的「晚餐」
那不是什麼特別料理，更不是什麼可愛的童年回憶。那只是兩個小孩，不想餓肚子，只能自己想辦法活下來。
🍽️ 4. 媽媽也在求生，只是方式不同
Philip 的媽媽在離婚之後也開始約會、交男朋友。不是因為她不愛小孩，而是那個年代很多單親媽媽都在硬撐：打工、付帳單、承受壓力，也渴望有人陪伴。
他記得，很多個週五晚上：
- 一到下班時間，媽媽就急著把他和哥哥送去爸爸家
- 那對她來說，像是一種暫時喘口氣的方式
有時候，媽媽和男朋友要去餐廳吃飯，也會帶著他們一起去。但在出門之前，她會先在家裡，把兩個小孩餵飽。
他跟我說：
「因為小孩吃飽了，就比較不會在餐廳吵鬧。
所以我們到餐廳的時候，只要坐在那邊自己玩就好。」
他講的時候沒有抱怨媽媽，只是很平靜地描述那個畫面。你聽得出來，那是很多大人都在求生，而小孩只能在縫隙裡長大的年代。
🐱 5. 我們先養一隻貓，看看「我們能不能當爸媽」
後來，我和 Philip 結婚，理所當然也會聊到「要不要生小孩」。
有一陣子，我們的共識是：
「我們先養一隻貓。如果連一隻貓都照顧不好，那就不應該生小孩。」
那隻貓活得很好，也被我們照顧得很好。從結果來說，我們的「照顧能力測試」是通過的。
可是，他的答案卻沒有因此改變。
💔 6. 他說：「I’m not ready for parenting.」
有一天，他很認真地跟我說：
「I’m not ready for parenting.
不管是心理上，還是經濟上，我都還沒準備好。」
他說，他從來沒有被一個情緒穩定、溫柔可靠的大人好好養大過，所以他很怕自己哪一天也會變成像他爸爸那樣的人。他不確定自己能不能打破那個循環。
他也擔心：
- 經濟是不是撐得起來
- 責任是不是扛得住
- 如果有了小孩，卻重演他自己的童年，那怎麼辦
那時候我才真正明白，原來有些人說「我還沒準備好」，不是藉口，而是真真實實被童年綁住了。
💡 7. 從他的故事，我看見另一個美國
Philip 的童年，讓我重新認識「美國」這個國家。
- 這裡不只有白色圍籬、郊區大房子和開心的萬聖節
- 也有酗酒的父親、疲倦的單親媽媽和沒有安全感的孩子
- 有些小孩從小學會煮 instant grits，只是因為沒有人幫他們準備晚餐
- 有些男人長大後，不是故意不當爸爸，而是太怕自己會變成下一個施暴者
我寫下這個故事，不是要批評誰，也不是要為誰辯護。只是想把我聽過、看過的一個真實南方童年，留在這裡。
也許你現在身邊，也有一個不太想提起自己家裡故事的人。
有時候，他們不是冷漠，只是傷口真的太深。
而我們能做的，可能就只是：好好聽他們說，然後，溫柔一點。
🌧️ A Southern Childhood: Moonshine, Weekend Beatings, and Bathtub Hot Water Grits — Philip’s Story
Many people imagine that kids who grow up in America must have an easier, more comfortable childhood than children in Asia. I used to think that too—until I listened to my ex-husband, Philip, talk about his own childhood in the American South.
🌙 1. Moonshine wasn’t romantic — it was where the chaos began
Philip once told me that his father used to make moonshine, the strong homemade liquor that’s famous in the South. To outsiders, it might sound like a fun “Southern tradition” or some kind of family legend.
For him, it was nothing like that. It was the starting point of heavy drinking and losing control.
His father drank hard, drank often, and drank until he blacked out. And when he lost control, the first people to pay the price were Philip and his brother.
👊 2. Divorced parents, weekend visits, and regular beatings
After his parents divorced, Philip and his brother were sent to their father’s house on weekends. On paper, it sounded like “visitation” and “father–son bonding time.”
In reality, it meant:
- a drunken father most of the time
- yelling and hitting when he was too drunk to manage his emotions
- no real sense of warmth or safety
For a child, “going to Dad’s for the weekend” meant bracing himself for another round of fear and unpredictability.
🍽️ 3. No food, no proper hot water — just two boys trying not to go hungry
It wasn’t just the violence. Basic daily life was unstable, too.
Philip told me that at his father’s place:
- there often wasn’t much food in the house
- there was no proper way to cook a meal
- there wasn’t even reliable hot water for cooking
The only place they could reliably get hot water was from the bathtub faucet, which was connected to the water heater.
So the two boys invented their own way to survive:
- they would turn on the hot tap in the tub
- catch some of that hot water in a cup or bowl
- pour it into instant grits (a cheap cornmeal staple in the South)
- stir it, and call it dinner
It wasn’t a quirky family recipe, and it wasn’t a childhood joke. It was just two kids trying not to go to bed hungry.
🍽️ 4. A tired single mom, trying to survive in her own way
After the divorce, Philip’s mother also started dating. It wasn’t because she didn’t love her children. Like many single moms of her generation, she was exhausted—working, paying bills, and still longing for a little piece of her own life.
He remembered that on many Friday nights:
- she would rush to drop him and his brother off at their dad’s place
- it was, in some ways, the only break she had
Sometimes, when she went out to a restaurant with her boyfriend, she would bring the boys along. But before they left the house, she would feed them first.
He told me:
“Kids who are already full don’t fuss as much in a restaurant.
So my brother and I would just sit there and play quietly.”
There was no anger in his voice when he said it—just a quiet understanding. You could hear that this was how many adults were trying to survive, and children simply grew up in the empty spaces between.
🐱 5. “Let’s start with a cat” — testing whether we could be parents
Years later, when Philip and I were married, the topic of children naturally came up.
At one point, we made a plan:
“Let’s start with a cat.
If we can’t even keep a cat alive, we shouldn’t have a child.”
The cat lived. In fact, the cat lived very well.
By that measure, we had passed the “caretaking test.”
But Philip’s answer didn’t change.
💔 6. “I’m not ready for parenting.”
One day, he sat me down and told me seriously:
“I’m not ready for parenting.
Emotionally, I’m not ready. Financially, I’m not ready either.”
He said he had never really been raised by a calm, emotionally stable, reliable adult. He was afraid that one day, he might become like his father. He wasn’t sure he could break the cycle.
He worried about:
- whether he could truly support a child
- whether he could handle the responsibility
- whether he might, without meaning to, pass his own wounds on to the next generation
That was when I finally understood: sometimes “I’m not ready” isn’t an excuse. It’s the honest truth of someone still living with their childhood pain.
💡 7. What his story taught me about America
Philip’s childhood changed the way I see America.
- It’s not just suburbs with white picket fences and happy holidays.
- There are also drunk fathers, worn-out single mothers, and children with no real sense of safety.
- Some kids grow up knowing how to make instant grits with hot water from a bathtub faucet, simply because no one is there to cook for them.
- Some men avoid becoming fathers—not because they’re selfish, but because they’re terrified of repeating the damage they lived through.
I’m not writing this to blame anyone or to defend anyone. I just want to leave this story here as a real picture of one kind of Southern childhood.
Maybe you know someone who never talks much about their family.
Sometimes, they’re not cold.
The wound is just too deep.
And maybe what we can do,
is simply to listen a little more carefully, and be a little kinder.